Ten school-related things about the 2017 Election

  1. Image: Michael Coghlan, Creative Commons

    Image: Michael Coghlan, Creative Commons

    The 2017 election pits a stern headmistress against a bumbling geography teacher – with a trainee PE teacher cheerily popping his head round the corner. This unpromising cast of characters is about change the course of British history forever.

  2. Do Britons secretly long for a stern, dominatrix of a headmistress? Experiments conducted in the 1970s and 80s suggest we do. This is worrying.
  3. The headmistress has called the election for the stated reason of uniting the staff room. This shows that (a) she’s never been in a real staff room, (b) she doesn’t understand democracy or (c) she’s mistakenly thinking of the North Korean model of democracy.
  4. Strengthening the headmistress’s hand won’t make a jot of difference to the forthcoming Brexit negotiations – as she holds precisely zero cards. (It turns out she’s running a minor public school in the West Country, and no one in the outside world particularly cares what she thinks about anything).
  5. The headmistress has a hotline to God – which is useful, but there seem to be pages missing from her Bible.
  6. The geography teacher means well – but is essentially clueless and is loved only by the handful of A’Level students who’ve chosen to be in his class.

    Cropped image: J.Clarke, Creative Commons

    Cropped image: J.Clarke, Creative Commons

  7. The PE teacher is bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. He’s annoyed that people keep asking him if he only likes hockey, or is OK with football too.
  8. The PE teacher thinks the school should be in alliance with other schools to benefit from economies of scale and a wider world-view. Being a PE teacher, he understands about winners and losers.
  9. Lots of ex-pupils remember the school in the “good old days” – and preferred it then. There was caning, bullying, enforced religious attendance and name-calling like that currently being indulged in by the class clown. No one was allowed in or out of school grounds and lights-out was at 9pm (or earlier during the Winter of Discontent). Ah yes, happy days.
  10. Not everyone likes PE – but scientific and medical opinion holds that it’s the route to a long, happy, healthy life.
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